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Cracked’s Holiday Gift Guide For Your Pals And Pets!

Category: Beer Humor
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“The Holidays” Round One is over and now you’re slumped back at your desk, picking marshmallows off a glob of leftover yam casserole.

This is a time to reflect and appreciate the ones who really matter: the human and animal companions who somehow tolerate your nonsense and make your wretched time on this crumbling planet marginally bearable. You owe these fantastic creatures. Blow some quality cash on them this season. May we suggest:

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FOR YOUR PALS

The Star Wars Freak

Alamo Draft House is offering exclusive Last Jedi glassware with ticket pre-sales. And any Star Wars fan worth a decicred has already lost their mind after spotting Luke on the Dark Side design. So forget the Porgs and go with the evil flow by giving our curated “Wake & Choke” gift bundle! Arising to the annoying beeps of this LEGO Darth Vader Alarm Clock, your pal can slip on a set of Darth Vader Oven Gloves to begin a day of galactic shit-stirring. Throw in this Jedi Master Bathrobe so they can later contemplate that maybe following in the footsteps of a guy whose legs got chopped off and tossed in a lava river is a dumbass plan.

The Music Nerd

We all have one of these in our lives with their, “Blah, blah, blah I enjoy the melodic fruits of human artistic creation.” And as obsessive as they are about their record collections, they tend to get pretty fussy about their other stuff not getting fucked up — like their precious “coffee table that belonged to Roy Orbison” and “Nevermind tour ticket stub that apparently shouldn’t be used for a fire-based magic trick.” So hook ’em up with these delightful vinyl record drink coasters, plus a special diary to stash tickets for all those concerts they never shut up about.

Think you couldn’t possibly give them any music that they don’t already have? Think again! Peter Gabriel recently finished releasing his entire solo catalog on remastered, half-speed vinyl. Among these is a complete German language recording of Peter Gabriel 4 aka Security. Your friend has never heard “Shock the Monkey” until they’ve heard it in the Kaiser’s tongue.

The Food Fanatic

The friend who has an emotional episode and is “politely asked to leave the premises” when hot sauce is unavailable will appreciate this case of 100-1/4 oz. to-go packets of Tapatio combined with this glorious heap of 200-1/4 oz. Sriracha packets.

And if that friend often finds themselves on the run, you could do worse than toss in this sack crammed with a mess of jerkies.

With all that heat and sodium-infused meat comes a mighty thirst, and Cracked’s podcast czar, the Midwestern-bred Alex ‘Schmidty The Clam’ Schmidt, swears by Chicago-famous Berghoff’s root beer. We suspect it tastes like carbonated politeness.

The Wanderer

Friends who travel a lot usually pass the time immersing themselves in the fantasy worlds of fiction and politics. But most would rather dedicate their eyeballs’ limited peak years to looking at pictures of otters instead of words. With an Audible membership they can squander one of the far more expendable of the five human senses while still enjoying books — such as Cracked’s You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News, David Wong’s latest, What the Hell Did I Just Read: A Novel of Cosmic Horror, Dan O’Brien’s How to Fight Presidents, and Robert Evans’ A Brief History of Vice.

If your friend’s going to go around with one of those dumb airplane pillows, they might as well look like they’re being strangled by a space eel. Combine it with this “I Only Care About Anime And Like 3 People” water bottle, and narry another seat mate will dare to attempt human interaction.

The Creepo

To hell with Funko, this snappy collection of human parts will really jazz up your creepy-ass friend’s mantlepiece. But perhaps a mere four realistically detailed miniature plastic models of human anatomy won’t cut it. That’s where this bag of one hundred warrior skeletons comes in. What could your friend possibly do with a bag of one hundred warrior skeletons? If you’re really friends, you clam it and let them do what they like with their warrior skeletons.

And if money’s no object? Splurge on this anatomical beaut with built-in rolling function, allowing them to launch it down a darkened hallway when guests get up in the middle of the night to take a leak.

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FOR YOUR PETS

Dogs

At this point it should be apparent that we’re fans of giving gifts that come in sizable lots. And if you don’t love your dog enough to gift him or her a case of six hundred motherfucking beefy sticks, we feel terrible for your shriveled little soul. (Also available in I-don’t-quite-love-my-dog-enough sizes).

“Doesn’t look like anything to me…”

You try to give your dog everything he could possibly want. But what about the things he doesn’t know he wants? Like being able to experience the rustic dystopian world of HBO’s hit series Westworld while being sheltered from the elements. (Legal CYA: This is not officially branded Westworld merchandise. We use our imaginations, like beautiful dreamers).

Ultimately, we know your holiday wish is to make a certain good boy or girl happy, safe and sharp lookin’, which you can do with this rechargeable LED Dog Collar – perfect for nighttime walks and/or pet friendly foam parties – and Hide-A-Squirrel squeak toy puzzle, which will keep them busy while minimizing the number of times you have to hose rodent guts off the deck.

Cats

We love these fuzzy jerks, but their little walnut brains are like that chunk of Evil at the end of Time Bandits. They have one, true goal: destroy the nicest or priciest thing we own. So sneakily delight them with this sexy, stylish lounge/scratcher while half-heartedly pleading, “Oh, no. Please. Stop destroying this precious, beautiful item.”

Like your human pals and dogs, cats too deserve to get something they love in bulk. In our experience, most cats don’t just love Temptations treats, they would happily eat your face off to get another handful. So while this variety pack will be sure to please the cat, keeping multiple packages on hand is a wise longterm survival strategy for you.

Mainly, all cats really want to do is get high and bat crap around. This is the time to spring for the good ‘nip, such as the Canadian-Grown Fine-Grind. But you can cheap out on the toys. Get one of these goofy, simplistic Cat Dancers or just buy a ball of goddamn string. The cat won’t give a shit.

Pan-Species

Even when you’re on the road, you can still maintain a close bond. Chase your pet around while whispering nursery rhymes and lobbing treats in their general direction with the App-Enabled FunPaw Playbot Q Pet Camera & Pet Feeder.

And, really, isn’t about time your pet got a taste of the Singularity?

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