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7 Fourth Of July Pieces That Every Other Basic B*tch Won’t Already Be Wearing

Category: Beer Humor
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Ive never been an America, fuck yeah type of person, but if theres an unhealthy amount of Bud Light, fireworks, and drunken swimming involved, fuck yeah, you can count me in. Even if it means pretending I know how old America is (itll be 241 years old, btw, not 2,017 I just Googled it to be sure, idiot). Since I barely remember what the Declaration of Independence islike sorry, I dont even remember last nightIll resort to wearing a semi-patriotic outfit just for this one day. I respect all of the time and effort people have put in to give us greedy Americans like, the rules of feminism, the right to basically live, and all that shit, so Im not going to dress like a wannabe slutty Wonder Woman.

Looking at you, Lady Gaga and Beyonc…

Yeah uh…that’s def not what Betsy Ross had in mind when she designed the American flag. You want to trashed, not trash. This means do not wear your sorority/fave fraternity’s stars and stripes letters, a denim skirt that might show your vag, or a muscle tank that screams white trash. You dont want a passive-aggressive Facebook status written about you, do you? And if youre thinking of wearing an American flag bikini, youre dead to me. Since its basically only a week away and we need to keep online shipping in mind, heres what you should wear for Americas birthday bash if you don’t want the Founding Fathers to regret starting America in the first place.

1. LAGENCE Cynthia Off The Shoulder Top

You dont want to get a really dressy shirt for outdoorsy shit, i.e. day drinking and barbecuing, but you dont want anything too casual either. This white top is perfect for tucking into your favorite high waisted denim shorts and since its not plastered with America, you can wear it multiple times a year. Its classy with a hint of slutty since its form-fitting and slightly revealing. Youll probs be drinking from day to night so the long sleeves will keep you warm if it gets chilly.

2. Topshop Flag Ripped Mom Shorts

Flag themed shorts are cute (I guess) since they show how much you love America, but they can also be worn to other events like all those cheesy country festivals. The length of these shorts in particular is pretty ideal because they dont show your ass cheeks (no one wants to see them anyway, honestly). But I cant say you wont be lectured by your grandparents because like, how dare you wear the flag on your butt. Let me live.

3. Lovers + Friends Ocean Tides One Piece

Sport a versatile one piece swimsuit if swimming, or pretending to, is on the agenda for festivities. Wear a solid color without looking over-the-top and desperate like Taylor Swift. Pair with your fave high rise denim shorts to easily take your look to and from the water.

4. Paper London Treacle Dress

If youre beaching it in the Hamptons or somewhere equally classy AF, wear this trendy day dress with nude wedges or low heel sandalsno stilettos or 6 inch pumps because youre not trying to stumble around all night. It comes in black and white stripes, but who the hell can tell the difference? Just tell everyone its navy blue and call it a day. 

5. Aldo Lolla Block Heels

Whether youre strolling in and out of bars or embarrassing yourself at a family gathering on the Fourth, youll want shoes that look like you put in some sort of effort, but that won’t make you uncomfortable and have you make a fool out of yourself (although youll probably do that already). Use this block heel for your pop of white with any outfit you decide on. Plus, youll be gaining another pair of cute shoes that you can wear out again.

6. Charming Charlie Uncle Sam Choker Necklace Set

Accessorize with these fun, simple chokers you can wear all together or mix and match. Wearing shit on your head makes you look like a try-hard and/or unnecessarily extra. Pair with a red lip and youre set to get star, spangled, hammered in style.

7. Waving American Flag Pool Float

Lastly, to guarantee those triple likes on Insta, make sure to do a sexual pose with a (v extra) waving American flag pool float, but without going full Ariel Winter. Cheers to living in a free country thats obsessed with quality fast food and shit. May your hand always be holding a beer because like, Merica.

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