Throwing a great party is tough. There’s a fine line between the best wedding/birthday/X-Files viewing party the world has ever seen, and an entertaining list of criminal offenses that ensures your friends and family will never speak to you again. To celebrate the release of Search Party on May 13, Cracked has put together this list of party-related disasters that will make you feel better about the time you got drunk at your friend’s housewarming party and decided to renovate his bathroom with a claw hammer. For example …
#6. Dutch Teen Sends Facebook Birthday Invitation, Accidentally Starts Riot
It was 2012 in the small Dutch village of Haren, and young Merthe Weusthuis made a single, fateful error. While inviting a group friends to her 16th birthday party on Facebook, she set the invitation to “public,” perhaps not realizing that Facebook allows people who’ve been invited to public events to turn around and invite their own friends. Before long, someone had “hilariously” invited another 500 people to Weusthuis’ party, and that was all it took for this viral joke to start spreading like influenza at a sneeze-fetish convention.
More and more people started sending out invites, and soon Weusthuis’ address and willingness to party was being broadcast to the entire world as effectively as if she was running Andrew W.K.’s Twitter account. Within a week, 30,000 invitations had been sent out for the once-teeny 16th birthday celebration, with pre-partiers setting up a party-related Twitter and website and even producing several unofficial party trailers. Look, it’s the Netherlands, OK? There’s not much else to do there.
This tulip’s blog gets over 30,000 hits per day.
The hour of the party neared, and revelry-hungry hordes started to march on Weusthuis’ home like Uruk-hai clutching red Solo cups instead of scimitars. Dutch police moved into action, trucking in extra police to deal with the crowd and evacuating the poor teenager and her family. Realizing that there was going to be no party after all, and that the phone signal in the village didn’t provide a good enough connection for them to check up on the tulip blog, the wannabe-partiers began to riot.
Luckily, this marked the first and last time an angry internet mob ever disappointed
anybody with their behavior.
The rioters spilled into the town center, setting cars on fire, smashing store windows, and even building a makeshift anti-police barricade out of stolen supermarket carts. Since this happened in the Netherlands, I’m going to assume that the police were almost able to get at the rioters by making a hole in the barricade, but that one brave rioter stopped their progress by sticking his finger in it.
In the end, the riot resulted in 34 arrests, several serious injuries, a quarter of a million euros’ worth of damages, and presumably a 17th birthday party for Ms. Weusthuis that consisted of a quiet Netflix marathon.
#5. Fake Party Gun Attracts Non-Fake Police
For their 10th wedding anniversary, Roy and Val Worthington decided to celebrate their enduring love with a fun costume party. They selected a Wild West theme, probably because “Roy Worthington” is a goddamn badass name for a cowboy, and invited guests to show up in Western-themed costumes. The party was to take place in a small village in England, a country with extremely strict gun-control laws, so Val Worthington made sure to call ahead and warn local police to expect a few fake guns around.
“Expect the village prostitutes to look a bit gaudier than usual, too.”
All went well as the cowboy-clad couple successfully renewed their vows inside a church, and then partygoers started out on foot toward a local pub to drink gross English beer and hope that their rented Stetson hats wouldn’t give them a contagious head fungus. That is, until they ran into a bunch of armed police, who had shown up with squad cars, dogs, and a freaking helicopter.
It turned out that during the walk from the church, a villager had spotted a toy rifle slung over one guest’s shoulder. The police decided to respond aggressively to this complaint despite Val’s prior warning, because … they assumed that this was another, coincidental gathering of genuine cowboys in the same town? Or maybe they figured that the “anniversary party” story was just a cover and that a real cowboy gang was planning to sweep in and steal all of England’s cows?
It’s almost too easy.
At this point, many Americans reading this are no doubt laughing at the thought of this massive police response caused by a single toy gun, but maybe those British cops have the right idea about keeping weapons and parties separated, because …
#4. People At American Weddings Keep Accidentally Shooting Each Other
Weddings are about two people getting together and solemnly declaring their eternal love in front of Yahweh, Allah, or Oopsor, the Sumerian god of accidental pregnancies. They’re a joyful time full of happy tears, dancing, and delicious cake, and what better way is there to participate in all of that than by bringing along a gun? You can use it to wipe tears out of your eyes as the bride walks down the aisle or to shoot flowers out of your girlfriend’s reach during the bouquet toss … the opportunities are endless.
“After their custom vows, the bride and groom will throw the rings into the air
and shoot them onto each other’s fingers.”
It seems that plenty of people agree with this sentiment, because guests accidentally firing their guns at weddings is something that has happened way more times than never. In 2015, a man attending a wedding reception at New York’s super-fancy Waldorf Astoria hotel discharged a concealed pistol while reaching into his pocket for a seating card, resulting in a ricochet that injured a guest and several hotel employees. The ricochet wasn’t caught on tape, but I’ve seen a lot of movies, and so I assume that the bullet zipped around the room, shattering a glass vase full of flowers and startling a nearby cat before tearing a hole in the crotch of someone’s pants and narrowly missing their genitals. Trust me, it’s just how these things work.
The bride then ran off with a random dude who shouted,
“I OBJECT!” during the ceremony.
And that’s just one example of firearm-related wedding hijinks: At a ceremony in Bardwell, Kentucky, in 2015, an off-duty sheriff’s detective fired his gun while he was adjusting his jacket, shooting his own mother in the process. The mother survived, but the detective was put on administrative leave so he could sit in his room and think about what he’d done. And in Pennsylvania, a bride was convicted of manslaughter after accidentally shooting and killing her niece while moving a gun in a car after the ceremony. Which really illustrates the wisdom of that old wedding-day folk saying: “Something old, something new, something borrowed, keep your hands off the trigger we’re in a goddamn church for God’s sake.”