Have you ever wondered why the Wolf Man remake kept the story confined to the 19th century and the countryside, instead of updating it to modern times and a big city? Because that’s what An American Werewolf In London did, and we’d like to remind you how long the titular character was able to stalk the UK capital, killing people: two nights, after which he was easily shot dead by police.
When you get down to it, a werewolf is nothing but a really big animal, with animal intelligence, and humanity’s entire origin story boils down to learning how to kill bigger animals. That’s why we invented all sorts of weapons and, most importantly, traps. Let’s say a werewolf was loose in your city, and due to immense lobbying from the furry community, we decided to capture it instead of kill it. For that we have bear traps, tranquilizer guns, those poles with loops on the end — you name it. And if worse came to worse, there’s always the nuclear option: a Super Soaker filled with tap water.
Flying Around On A Broomstick Would Be Crazy Dangerous
Flying about in big metal tubes powered by exploding dinosaurs might sound like witchcraft, but actual witches still prefer the old broomstick. There are some big problems with that, though: When flying out in the open with no protection from the elements, you face the same issues as World War I pilots in their open-cockpit biplanes, with bugs, fog, and rain hitting you in the face all the time. That’s why old-timey pilots wore those huge scarves: to clean all that gunk off their goggles. Interestingly, you also don’t ever see that on witches. Another thing that WWI pilots needed were warm woolen jackets, because it tends to get cold up in the night sky. And while silky black dresses are great for maintaining that “Bride of Satan” image, they don’t do much against frostbite.
So a modern witch would need an insulated jacket, goggles, a wipin’ rag, some kind of broom-mounted windshield, and preferably night vision gear. That last part would be necessary to spot and avoid birds. According to the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA), kamikaze birds are one of the most dangerous things in the sky, right after Delta Airlines, with more than 9,000 birds crashing into U.S. airplanes per year.
Witches probably wouldn’t fly as fast as airplanes, and they don’t have engines to wreck, but geese would still be a problem. Just ask Fabio.
Steven is a short, freaky — wait, no — Steven *writes* short freaky stories you can read for free. He’s also on Twitter and Facebook (obviously).
We can’t claim this is an actual magical, monster-killing device but it can’t hurt to have a couple around if you’re ever having supernatural problems.
Love Cracked? Want exclusive content? Prefer an ad-free experience? We’ve got you covered. Sign up for our Subscription Service for all that and more.
Also check out Realities of the Rock Star Life 50 Years After Fame and 6 Horror Movie Bad Guys (Who Have Really Obvious Weaknesses).
Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 14 Movie Special Effects You Won’t Believe Weren’t CGI, and watch other videos you won’t see on the site!
Follow our new Pictofacts Facebook page, and we’ll follow you everywhere.