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5 Downsides To Being A Movie Monster Nobody Brings Up

Category: Beer Humor
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Being a supernatural movie monster, like a vampire or a werewolf, may seem like a sweet deal. Aside from being represented by some of the worst movies ever, you’re super strong, you live forever, and if you blast your music really late at night, nobody will have the guts to knock on your door. But there are some less-than-obvious downsides to life as a horror sapiens. For example …

5

Werewolves Would Be Allergic To Everything

There are many ways to kill a vampire: garlic, holy water, wooden stakes, sunlight, crucifixes, teenage heartbreak, etc. But for werewolves, there’s only one weakness: silver. They can only be stopped by a sharpshooter with enough disposable income to make bullets out of precious metals. (So … Texas oilmen?) But wait, who said werewolves are only weak to silver bullets? Nobody, that’s who. In fact, according to many myths and legends, the mere touch of anything silver is enough to slow down and/or kill a lycanthrope. Even in the original Wolf Man movie, two werewolves are killed not by gunshots, but by being bludgeoned with a silver-tipped cane, once wielded by an elderly man.

Universal Pictures
“I TOLD YOU TO STOP SHITTING ON MY LAWN!”

To a werewolf, all silver is like kryptonite covered in acid. And that’s why none of them would ever survive in the modern world.

Silver is an excellent conductor, which is why you can find it in pretty much every electronic device you own: computers, cellphones, batteries, cars, light switches, CDs, DVDs. The metal is even widely used in mirrors, windows, and light bulbs. How many werewolves does it take to change a light bulb? Fucking none, that’s how many.

As it turns out, silver is excellent at killing both werewolves and bacteria, which is why hospitals make most of their stuff out of it, from surgical tools to door handles. It’s also why silver is being used to filtrate/purify municipal water supplies. Need a werewolf dead? Give it a glass of tap water.

4

Vampires Would Have To Buy Their Own Coffins

“Coffins. Coffins, unfortunately, are a necessity,” says Brad Pitt in your dangerously unhinged aunt’s favorite movie, Interview With The Vampire. But have you ever considered the practical reality of that? For the nosferatu on a budget, we suppose they could steal one from a graveyard, but it would probably be like stealing a used condom: gross and smelling like old stiffs.

Buying a new casket comes with its own set of problems. First, you’d have to invent some sob story about yourself or a loved one dying soon. We have no idea what kind of web of lies you’d have to spin for the funeral house to let you climb inside a coffin and test out its lumbar support. Plus, low-end coffins start at around $1,000, with the more pimped-out models going for $10,000 and up.

Warner Bros. Pictures
“Do you plan on getting laid at any point during the rest of eternity? Then spring for the fucking deluxe model.”

Finally, there is no way you could get your new coffin home on your own. How do you even ask a friend for help with that sort of thing? There isn’t enough beer and pizza in the world for someone not to ask why you’re buying a corpse container for your own house. An online store could probably deliver the casket discreetly, but those deliverymen will also have questions. And you will not have answers.

Oh wait, “I’m just super goth.” Never mind, this one’s easy.

3

A Mummy’s Worst Enemy Would Be YouTube

In the 1999 Mummy movie, the resurrected priest Imhotep was the entire Xavier Institute crammed into one bronzed, bald package. He was immortal, super strong, invulnerable, could suck out people’s life force, turned into sandstorms, etc. He basically had no weaknesses. Except for cats. In one scene, Brendan Fraser manages to scare the titular Mummy away by showing him a cat. Imhotep takes one look at it and instantly bolts out the window.

Universal Pictures
“Play him off, Keyboard Cat.”

This makes a lot of sense, seeing as how cats were considered guardians of the underworld in ancient Egyptian mythology, and Imhotep’s soul was supposed to be cursed in the afterlife. And today, all of us carry around a way to display lifelike images of cats at a second’s notice. If that ancient Egyptian priest rose from the dead in 2017, any old schmo would be able to stop him dead just by taking their phone out and opening up YouTube.

2

Stopping A Werewolf Would Be Incredibly Simple

What, you thought we were done ruining werewolves for you? If Hollywood won’t stop, then why should we?

Have you ever wondered why the Wolf Man remake kept the story confined to the 19th century and the countryside, instead of updating it to modern times and a big city? Because that’s what An American Werewolf In London did, and we’d like to remind you how long the titular character was able to stalk the UK capital, killing people: two nights, after which he was easily shot dead by police.

When you get down to it, a werewolf is nothing but a really big animal, with animal intelligence, and humanity’s entire origin story boils down to learning how to kill bigger animals. That’s why we invented all sorts of weapons and, most importantly, traps. Let’s say a werewolf was loose in your city, and due to immense lobbying from the furry community, we decided to capture it instead of kill it. For that we have bear traps, tranquilizer guns, those poles with loops on the end — you name it. And if worse came to worse, there’s always the nuclear option: a Super Soaker filled with tap water.

1

Flying Around On A Broomstick Would Be Crazy Dangerous

Flying about in big metal tubes powered by exploding dinosaurs might sound like witchcraft, but actual witches still prefer the old broomstick. There are some big problems with that, though: When flying out in the open with no protection from the elements, you face the same issues as World War I pilots in their open-cockpit biplanes, with bugs, fog, and rain hitting you in the face all the time. That’s why old-timey pilots wore those huge scarves: to clean all that gunk off their goggles. Interestingly, you also don’t ever see that on witches. Another thing that WWI pilots needed were warm woolen jackets, because it tends to get cold up in the night sky. And while silky black dresses are great for maintaining that “Bride of Satan” image, they don’t do much against frostbite.

So a modern witch would need an insulated jacket, goggles, a wipin’ rag, some kind of broom-mounted windshield, and preferably night vision gear. That last part would be necessary to spot and avoid birds. According to the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA), kamikaze birds are one of the most dangerous things in the sky, right after Delta Airlines, with more than 9,000 birds crashing into U.S. airplanes per year.

Witches probably wouldn’t fly as fast as airplanes, and they don’t have engines to wreck, but geese would still be a problem. Just ask Fabio.

Steven is a short, freaky — wait, no — Steven *writes* short freaky stories you can read for free. He’s also on Twitter and Facebook (obviously).

We can’t claim this is an actual magical, monster-killing device but it can’t hurt to have a couple around if you’re ever having supernatural problems.

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