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44 Girls Reveal The Most Insane Thing A Guy Ever Did To Impress Them

Category: Beer Humor
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Found on AskReddit.

1. He gave me a little box of chocolates, but he’d already eaten half of them.

When we were dating my husband bought a little box of chocolates ‘for me,’ but had already eaten half of them because he wanted to try them, too. I still make fun of him for it.


2. He showed me his tattoos of various My Little Ponies.

Showing me his tattoos of various My Little Ponies. He was so excited to show me, he thought I was going to be blown away by it.


3. He told me he hung up my picture so he could see it while in the shower and he was masturbating to it.

I met a guy via online dating. We went to dinner. He was telling me how much he loved one of my photos on the site. So much, he said, he hung it up so he could see it while in the shower and he was masturbating to it.


4. Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?

I once had a guy message me and his opening line was, ‘Hey, wanna sit on my face?’

I responded with ‘Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?’

He blocked me after that.


5. He called me his number-one girlout of seven.

I dated this guy for like, a week in junior college. Still very much in the ‘getting to know you’ stage. It became really obvious early on he was one of those guys that try to put you down so you’ll think you’re lucky he’s even talking to you but I’d just answer every subtle insult with a ‘…K.’

We were hanging out and he says something like, ‘You’re my number-one girl.’ Kind of a weird thing to say at this point in the game, all right. I jokingly said, ‘Oh yeah? Out of how many?’ He makes this big show out of counting on his fingers and pretends to try remembering all the names in his binders full of women before he says, ‘Seven.’ I was like, ‘Haha, OK, well, I don’t think I could compete with seven. Good luck with that,’ and stopped taking his calls.


6. He told me he masturbated to me but had never been able to finish.

He told me he masturbated to me. And then when I was uncomfortable he tried to make it better by telling me he had never been able to finish to me.


7. He told me he could rip a phone book in half, so I gave him one.

One time a guy I worked with tried to impress me by telling me he could rip a phone book in half with ease. On my production of a phone book, he proceeded to repeatedly attempt to rip it in half to the point of shaking and sweating. He couldn’t. The second-hand embarrassment was real.


8. He lifted his shirt up and said, ‘Look how little body hair I have.’

I had a guy come up to me at a bar, lift his shirt up, and say, ‘Look how little body hair I have.’ Granted he was super-drunk, but I just walked away.


9. He gave me a frozen, severed alligator foot.

I was a project manager at a consulting company. We hired a very odd fellow by the name of Rod. One day Rod and I were discussing a local Asian supermarket. This is possibly the second time we ever spoke; he did not end up working at the company for very long after.

Me: ‘Yeah, they have a lot unusual stuff there!’ Rod: ‘They even have alligator meat for sale.’ Me, in the most disinterested tone: ‘Yeah, how about that.’ End of conversation.

Weeks go by, and Rod announces he will be leaving the company to start a new position. He comes by my office to say goodbye. I notice he’s holding something in a plastic bag behind his back, trying to hold back a grin.

Me: ‘Best of luck, man.’ Rod: ‘I got you a going-away present.’ I think this is odd, so I say, ‘But I’m not leaving.’

Rod hands me whatever is wrapped in the plastic bag. I start to wonder if it’s something he has removed from his body. I unravel the plastic and notice a fishy smell. It’s a severed, frozen alligator foot, with claws still in tact. From the Asian Supermarket.

Rod: ‘See! You didn’t believe me when I said they had alligator meat!’

tl;dr Guy once gave me a frozen, severed alligator foot.


10. Two words: dick pics.

Two words: dick pics.


11. A guy carved my name into his arm once.

A guy carved my name into his arm once. I don’t have a very short name.


12. ‘Your face is like a tomatothe skin is all smooth and soft. Can I touch your skin?’

1) ‘You are so beautiful. Your face is like a tomatothe skin is all smooth and soft. Can I touch your skin? No? Oh, well can I paint you then? I want to give you a camera so you can take photos of yourself and see how beautiful you are.’ Random guy on a bus.

2) Set up on a date once. Date arrives 2 hours late (don’t ask me why I was still hanging around), proceeds to tell me he needs to buy some new jeans. We go to a store, he tries on the jeans and decides he likes them. We queue. At the checkout he looks over at me and says, ‘Oh shit, I’ve forgotten my wallet in the car. Would you mind paying?’

I paid.

3) ‘Your face is round like a football’said whilst drunk off his face and scaling a bridge (over not-so-troubled water).


13. He said, ‘Mmm, your blood is sweet’ and went on to tell me it was the sweetest he’d ever tasted.

I was in an art class with a guy and we were doing linocut printmaking. You have to use this really sharp implement to carve your image and my teacher reminded us daily to keep our hands out of the way. Of course, I managed to gouge my fingers. This guy grabs my hand and sticks my bleeding fingers in his mouth. After he released me, he said, ‘Mmm, your blood is sweet’ and went on to tell me it was the sweetest he’d ever tasted.


14. He once sent me a video of him ejaculating and pointing out how copious it was.

This guy once sent me a video of him ejaculating and pointing out how copious it was. We were taking a fitness class together and I’d never even talked to him much.


15. I just stared at him as one would stare at a pet who just shit on the rug.

We were in the middle of the club dance floor and he just walked up to me, pulled out his phone, and showed me the video from his Facebook of him doing a leg press in a gym. I just stared at him as one would stare at a pet who just shit on the rug.


16. He offered me half-price on weed if I had sex with him.

’Sooo…I can give you this at half-price if you want to stay over.’

I backed out of the room laughing. No, Tim, I’m fine with paying full price for a quarter-oz. of weed. I really don’t want hepatitis.


17. He just takes his dick out and starts jackin’ it.

Oh man, my wife’s best friend has a good one, but I don’t know if she is on here and it’s pretty difficult to not mention.

So she goes on this date with a dude who looked like a model. Gorgeous would be the word I may have heard.

Anyway, they go on this date. They get in her car, and he just takes his dick out and starts jackin’ it. She’s like, ‘What the fuck are you doing?’ and he just looks at her like a magician trying to ‘wow’ her. She doesn’t give anyway, though, and she’s pretty pissed. He gets upset and utters this phenomenal phrase, ‘Pfftyou’re just like the others.’

Which means that he has done this before! There is some good-looking dude who just goes on dates and jacks off in their car and wonders why no one likes him.


18. His military dog tags said ‘Made in China.’

This guy tried to impress me at a bar by telling me how he worked in the military. He had that kind of braggy attitude that makes people uncomfortable. Telling me how he’s trained to kill and knows how to use SO many weapons, and fly this and drive that, and knows hand-to-hand combat. I mean I don’t know anyone in the military, so who was I to say that some people didn’t behave like that? But it seemed so showy. He then ‘accidentally’ dropped his dog tags on the ground. Which also seemed weird. Who brings their dog tags to a bar, and also aren’t you supposed to wear them? Anyways, I was quicker to picking them up, he made a big deal about me looking at them, saying I wasn’t even supposed to touch them, as I was handing them back it clearly said ‘Made in China’ stamped on the back.


19. He told me that he didn’t normally date ‘Russian chicks’ (I have blonde hair, so OBVIOUSLY I’m Russian).

After bringing me every type of soda from the school vending machine (despite being told numerous times that I can’t drink soda), he pulled up a song on his phone and blasted it on full volume. He told me of how he understood the Japanese lyrics and the romance they held because love was a language spoken through raw emotions and could be understood by all. And of course, how the song represented our love. It was pretty cringeworthy.

Oh yeah, and he also told me that he didn’t normally date ‘Russian chicks’ (I have blonde hair, so OBVIOUSLY I’m Russian) because they are so strong and tough that they overwhelm his manliness. But I was ‘an artistic goddess’ who could set him free.

These are just the highlights. He did this stuff every day on the bus for an entire semester.


20. He read entire pages from a book written in Latin over a dinner date in a thick Italian accent.

Reading entire pages from a book written in Latin over a dinner date in a thick Italian accent because ‘that’s the way it most likely sounded,’ without translating anything, until I was about ready to fall asleep. I wrote off all classics majors after that date.


21. He asked me to his prom when I was 10 by buying me a candy bar.

Had a guy ask me to his prom. I was 10 and had never met him before. He asked me by buying me a candy bar while I was waiting for my mom to check out in the grocery store.

I was creeped-out. My mom thought it was hilarious.


22. I told him over and over again that I don’t like my feet touched, but he wouldn’t relent.

On our first date, about ten minutes in he told me that everyone always said that he gave the best foot massages and asked if I wanted one. I told him over and over again that I don’t like my feet touched, but he wouldn’t relent, so I finally said fine. Cue what feels like him literally trying to break my foot. Ended up with bruises.


23. One day he brought in his daughter (who was probably 6) and introduced me to the daughter as ‘mommy.’

When I was 18 waiting tables a much older man used to come in and sit in my section a lot. One day he brought in his daughter (who was probably 6) and introduced me to the daughter as ‘mommy.’ He told me he knew I was the ‘commitment type’ and said he said I was worth ‘the best thing he had to offer.’ It was cringeworthy.

He had been coming in for about a month before it got to this level of what-the-fuckness. When it happened I freaked out in the kitchen about it but kept my cool in front of him and didn’t say anything about it. Although the next time he came in he brought his mother and introduced me as his girlfriend and I lost it. I grabbed my manager and he kicked him out. The creepiest part about it was that he worked in a medical federal prison. I never saw him again, although I did run into his mother at Walmart about a month ago and it was very uncomfortable.


24. He would tell me stories of generally being a dick and following up with ‘I know I’m an asshole, but at least I’m honest, right?

It’s a tie between the guy that would tell me stories of generally being a dick and following up with ‘I know I’m an asshole, but at least I’m honest, right?’ and the guy that told me the story of how he drove the only girl out of his WoW guild by getting everyone to refer to her as a talking vagina (but she totally deserved it because she had a high-pitched voice).


25. He revved his engine and proceeded to take a sharp turn too fast and ditched his bike.

I was walking with a couple of my girlfriends when a guy on a motorcycle passed us. As he drove by, he revved his engine and proceeded to take a sharp turn too fast and ditched his bike.

He took off his helmet as he stood up and brushed himself off, picked up his bike, then he put his helmet back on. Only he tried to put his helmet on backward at first.

My friends and I are not mean-spirited, so we managed to keep a straight face until he drove away, then we laughed our asses off. Poor guy.


26. He came by every day to ask if I was ‘legal’ yet.

I was 14 and working at a coffee stand on an army base. A soldier came in and started hitting on me, not realizing how old I was. I told him my age and expected that he would give me an awkward apology and walk away… Instead, he told me that I was lying. It took some of my regulars coming in and convincing him that I was really 14. Instead of awkwardly apologizing and going away, he came by every day to ask if I was ‘legal’ yet.

Let me tell you, nothing says flattering quite like a creepy older guy who plans to basically stalk you at work for the next four years until you turn 18…


27. He texted me every hour or so every day for almost a month.

He texted me every hour or so every day for almost a month, then asked me out over text. When I declined he said something along the lines of, ‘Well it doesn’t have to be a “date date,” we could go as friends and see if anything happens. See, I can be accommodating!’

-.-

After another month of this I made a Google voice account and told him I changed my number. It’s been almost 3 years and I get texts/phone calls on that number.

Anyways he ended up dating my friend, flirted with me incessantly, cheated on her with multiple girls (not me), the two broke up, he asked me out again, then nearly got arrested for threatening to beat up a few kids. But hey, he’s super accommodating!


28. Cue me walking away and trying unsuccessfully not to laugh.

Let me tell you about Heelys guy!

I’m at my university, waiting for the crosswalk to change, when out of the corner of my eye I notice this guy walking towards my location from the other side of the intersection. He has a skater helmet on (not clipped, just kind of hanging there 2cool4safety) and is skidding on, of course, Heelys. He stops about a foot from me and just…stares.

Me: Umm, can I help you?

HG: Yeah, you can stop raping me with your eyes.

Me: alrighty then.

HG: Also you can give me your number.

Me: Yeah, that’s not happening.

At this point the crosswalk signal changed and I started to walk away. HG, who had just been staring at me (red-eyed, most definitely high out of his mind at noon on a Monday), then grabs the back of a scooter and is heelying across the intersection to follow me. When he gets to the end of the intersection, he lets go of the moped (as the driver is yelling at him) and And he falls on the ground. And his helmet rolls away because it wasn’t clipped on.

Me: Are you okay?

HG: NO CAUSE YOU REJECTED ME.

Cue me walking away and trying unsuccessfully not to laugh.


29. He fell with an inaudible cry in between the two buildings (about 12-15 feet).

In college, I lived in an apartment building that was extremely close to an old original building on the block where my friend lived. He and I were just friends at the time, but I knew he was interested. I had just been out riding my bike and was walking my bike up the steps to the stoop in front of our doorway. There was about a 7-10 foot gap between our stoop and the porch of this old building. Unbeknownst to me, my friend was (in his mind) cleverly trying to sneak up on me, Spider-Man style by nimbly jumping from the porch to our stoop while I got out my keys. However, his plan went awry, and he fell with an inaudible cry in between the two buildings (about 12-15 feet). I casually entered my apartment with my bike as usual. Two minutes later, I hear a knock. I see my friend, battered knees and elbows, looking rather sheepish. I’m confused and concerned, then he tells me what happened, in front of my roommates (all mutual friends), and we DIE laughing! Poor guy. Of course, we bandage him up and give him a beer for his troubles. LOL.


30. Catcalled me every day on my jogging route for a week.

Catcalled me every day on my jogging route for a week. Creepy as fuck. After the second or third day, I was like, ‘I’m not going to let some lout intimidate me away from my favorite route!’ So I kept going, but I drew the line when he actually tried to grope me. Now I go in the complete opposite direction. Pisses me the fuck off.

I know that avoiding the guy was a bad idea because then he could potentially hurt others, and I regret not doing anything. But given my age, stature, etc. at the time, I wasn’t in any position to physically fight back without endangering myself. I was also afraid of the guy following me home/harming me even more, so I got the fuck away as soon as I could.


31. A guy had a journal that was filled with poems about me, pages of ‘I love you’ written over and over.

A guy had a journal that was filled with poems about me, pages of ‘I love you’ written over and over, stories in excruciating detail of how we’d spend the rest of our lives together and he even had drawn pictures of what our children would look like. Every page was dated. This man wrote in it EVERY DAY for a year. I had no idea about it until he gave it to me for my birthday.


32. ‘Do you feel bad enough for me to give me your number?’

I was working and this kid that had been hitting on me all day came back and tried to hop onto the tips of his skis. (Using his poles to prop himself up?) Even though the move was supposed to drop my pants, he totally ate shit the noise was unmistakable. I hear a smack, him expressing his pain and then, ‘You didn’t see that, right?…Do you feel bad enough for me to give me your number?’


33. Dude pulls out the full-size metal rose that he’s cut and welded by himself and painted up all fancy.

I was dating a guy in first-year university (he was a fair bit older than me) and I mostly saw him evenings and weekends. He was a metalworker and worked long days, etc.

Things weren’t moving in the direction I wanted them to be going (read: him acknowledging me as his real girlfriend/actually officially dating)it spawned a lot of petty arguments.

I ended up breaking up with him and going back to his place the next day to get my stuff. He goes, ‘Oh, I made you this for Valentine’s Day but hadn’t given it to you’dude pulls out the full-size metal rose that he’s cut and welded by himself and painted up all fancy.

The breakup happened in

Dude panicked and tried to pull out some romantic gesture after realizing I was leaving.

I took the rose and I left. It sits on my desk and I look at it every day.

Spoils of war.


34. He faked having a girlfriend.

Faking having a girlfriend. If anything, it made me like him even less (which I didn’t think was possible).


35. For about 10 minutes. I was dying of second-hand humiliation for him.

I was at a bar with some friends and a moderately decent-looking guy starts to chat me up. He starts to talk to me about how smart he is and how he turned down a scientific master’s position at [nearby university] to work at a biotech startup. Interested, I ask about what the startup does, etc. Just being polite and making conversation.

It turns out he works at a clinic that does Alzheimer’s disease evaluations…doing intake paperwork. After unsuccessfully trying to change the subject to spare him embarrassment, he asks me what I know about Alzheimer’s. (Of course) before I answer he steamrolls me to tell me in copious (incorrect) detail about the disease. For about 10 minutes. I was dying of second-hand humiliation for him. He then finally asks what I do…

I’m approximately halfway through a Ph.D. program in which I examine molecular mechanisms underlying Alzheimer’s disease.

At this point I ask if he wants to leave. He does.


36. I don’t care how fast, loud, or how flashy your car is, you’re fucking annoying.

Any guy that tried to impress me with the type of car they drove. I don’t care how fast, loud, or how flashy your car is, you’re fucking annoying.”


37. ‘I’ve always wanted to have 4 kids. I have 3 now. I’ve always known you would give me #4.’

I had an old high-school friend find me on Facebook and pm me ‘I’ve always wanted to have 4 kids. I have 3 now. I’ve always known you would give me #4.’


38. After being told, ‘Do not talk to me again’ and 3 months of no contact, I’m clearly SUPER into him.

By bombarding me with texts nonstop and asking me out in the most pathetic way. He’d never do anything in person, just make awkward small talk, and the second we went our separate ways I’d get a text asking me to dinner. After making it very clear that I did not want to date him (straight up said, ‘I am not interested in dating you”), he’d try and convince me that I was flirting with him all the time.

Oh yeah, because clearly I have no idea what my own intentions are and need somebody else to explain them to me.

Even after flat-out telling him, ‘I am not interested in dating you,’ he’d ask ‘But, like, what does that really mean?’ Oh gee buddy, I mean it really sounds open-ended. After about a month of him trying to ask me out and me telling him, ‘I AM NOT INTERESTED IN DATING YOU,’ I told him to stop texting me and to not talk to me in class. And he did, until 3 months later. That’s when I get an essay-long text, telling me I’m perfect and ‘not fake like other girls’ and that he hates everybody but he doesn’t hate me and blah blah blah and ends the text with ‘[First Name Last Name], will you do me the honor of being your boyfriend? Or we can just be friends that’s cool too.’ Because after being told, ‘Do not talk to me again’ and 3 months of no contact, I’m clearly SUPER into him.


39. He immediately starts talking about how much money he makes, his life’s luxuries, his recent purchases.

Whenever I meet a guy, go on a date with him or just have a conversation with him and he immediately starts talking about how much money he makes, his life’s luxuries, his recent purchases, etc. that to me, is the saddest most annoying thing that guy can do and by no means the right way to impress me.

Guys acting like that tells me two things: 1) You think so vague and so superficially of me, that you think that impresses me; 2) You think so little of yourself and your character, that you use materialistic items to try and get girls, and that is a complete TURNOFF.


40. Librathe LION.

I was at a bar once, and a fellow tried hitting on me by asking, ‘What’s your sign?’ After laughing, then feeling bad (because he was completely serious), I answered the question.

‘I’m a Libra.’

‘Ooohhhhh, the LION!’ he exclaimed.

‘No….. the Scales….’ I respond.

‘Ah…I’m usually better at this. Sorry,’ was his reply, as I smile and leave with my drink.


41. He told me he was a Saudi prince and offered me a million dollars to have sex with him.

I was a waitress in a restaurant. A Middle Eastern guy told me he was a Saudi prince and offered me a million dollars to have sex with him. I found this to be creepy, and likely bullshit, therefore I said no.

I still occasionally wonder whether he was telling the truth, because honestly if he was, the answer would’ve been, ‘Let’s go.’


42. A guy tried to rap for me.

A guy tried to rap for me. I have nothing against rapping and I like rap music, but it was to HIS OWN previously recorded rap that he put on his iPhone.

No music, nothing. Just him yelling into his phone. And he didn’t even know the words!! To his own rap!!!


43. He tried to light two cigarettes at once.

My SO tried to light two cigarettes at once on our second date.

The wind kept snuffing out the flame. With two cigarettes still in his mouth he said, ‘Impressing you one failure at a time.’

His attempt to impress me didn’t work, but I thought he was cute so I kept him.

We no longer smoke.


44. I told him he should probably go back to DC.

Told me the only reason he hadn’t asked me out yet was because I seemed like I had a man back at home taking care of me, asked me out anyway, and when I said no, proceeded to tell me that ‘if you were living in DC you’d be all over me. I got hundreds of numbers when I was in DC.’

I told him he should probably go back to DC.

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