LoveWoo, a company obviously named by a European who’s under the impression that “woo” in any way lends itself to sex and not half of a Homer Simpson impression, requires a sex toy jockey to try out their wares on a full-time basis. The position (heh) pays about 36,000 U.S. dollars a year, and includes health benefits (because you’re going to get a repetitive stress injury and we all know it).
The job has a good deal of other perks, including holiday leave, birthdays off, two days a week you can work from home, and also your entire job consists of inserting things into yourself or inserting yourself into things. Five days a week. For actual money. I dare anyone to last a month without constantly being haunted by the vague scent of pan-fried ham.
They say you should do what you love, and they also say that you should love yourself, and yet other people say “I wonder if this fits in here,” and it looks like all three of those people were the same person in this instance. Maybe that means this crazy world of ours still has a little magic left in it.
Freelance Writers Did Rubbing-Out Research
Mark Sergeant, senior psychology lecturer at Nottingham Trent University and not technically a doctor, has said that a workplace masturbation break would be a very effective way to relieve stress at work. This is something which I figure anyone jacking off in a back alley over a stained Teddy Ruxpin could have told you, but I guess the “lecturer” title gives this guy’s opinions a bit more weight.
Why do you care what a senior psychology lecturer has to say about shadow boxing the Pumpkin King? Maybe you don’t, but some writers at Metro, after hearing from Mr. Sergeant, decided to put his good ideas to the test by masturbating at work for an entire week. For this premise to work, you have to now get it into your head that these people are not the kind of people who were already masturbating at work all the time, which would be the 39 percent I mentioned in the intro. And what are the odds that anyone writing an entire article about masturbating at work would have done it previously? Probably not worth thinking about.
And so, two writers opted to burp the beluga on company time every day for a week. As an added bonus, they were both British, so the article is full of charming British slang, such as referring to the workplace bathrooms in which they whack it as “bogs.” God, that’s adorable.
Feel free to read the article to experience the trials and tribulations of two Brits putting extra bangers in their mash. But trust me when I say that if you’re expecting anything other than a fairly brisk rundown of the less-than-arousing places and scenarios that surround journalistic jerky-juggling, like an awesome revelation about how a once-a-day crotch creeping turns you into a hyper-efficient workplace sexborg, you’re going to be very disappointed.
I imagine that for a handful of people, masturbation is an important part of their day. Like breakfast or not being set on fire, they rely on it to give them the fuel they need to be productive members of society. I want you to think about that every single time you shake someone’s hand at work from now on. And then think of Ana Catarina Bezarra, an accountant in Brazil whose chemical imbalance causes her massive anxiety as well as hypersexuality. The only way she’s been able to manage her condition is, you guessed it, yoga and herbal tea. Ha ha! I’m just playin’ y’all. She masturbates. A whole lot! She was up to 47 times a day when she realized shit was not necessarily kosher and sought medical help. Now, with medication, she’s mostly able to keep her shit together, but still needs to masturbate a few times a day.