Then you’ve got the insane Mr. Rooney in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, who leaves school and spends the entire day trying to catching a single student in a lie. There were a lot of other students in that school, man.
Paramount Pictures“I HAVE TENURE; I CAN STALK ANYONE I DAMN WELL PLEASE!”
And I’m not even sure what a dean of students specifically does, but taking an entire day to obsess over one teenager has to be leaving some paperwork not-done. Unless he’s actually been spending the whole day filling out form 236-C, and it requires you to break into a student’s home to complete it?
In the end of Fast Time At Ridgemont High, the history teacher shows up at Sean Penn’s house to angrily force knowledge down his throat right before a school dance. Let me think of all the times a teacher has shown up at my house when I was in school. This may come as a shock to you, but never. Not once. No teacher, no matter how ceaselessly inspirational they were, has ever gone to my house unannounced to ensure that I was schooling harder. I don’t mean to diss the education system, but I don’t think most teachers are that dedicated.
Universal PicturesEven people who are paid millions of dollars avoid hanging out with Sean Penn unless absolutely required to.
The Popular Kids Are Doomed To Lead Crappy Adult Lives
Every teen movie with an epilogue uses it to give a good dig at the popular jerks’ bleak future. Mike Damone gets caught scalping tickets and ends up working at a 7-11 in Fast Times At Ridgemont High. We’re told Mike Dexter (a lot of assholes are named Mike, apparently) becomes an alcoholic who washes cars after the events of Can’t Hardly Wait. Biff from Back To The Future … also winds up washing cars for a living? Screenwriters must see this as the ultimate punishment.
Universal Pictures“Hey, remember when I tried to rape your wife? Man, crazy times. Anyway, I’ll get back to work.”
It’s what we want — justice for all the times those popular assholes were popular assholes at us. The thing is, sometimes popular people kind of rule at life. Popularity is often shorthand for “people skills,” and that often stems from being aggressive and/or physically attractive, all of which is really, really beneficial in the adult world.
We mentioned Mike Dexter up there. He was a jerk in Can’t Hardly Wait, but he was also good enough at football to get a scholarship to college. Communities tend to have a long memory when it comes to people who were good at sports. In my hometown, football players are the closest things to local celebrities we have. Mike would have to screw up pretty badly to not be able to land a cushy job at a local car dealership there, even if he dropped out of college. So what did Mike do?
Columbia PicturesI need a Cant Hardly Wait 2, in which we see … the murders.
The Mikes of the real world will learn to tie a tie, play golf, and get good jobs from their frat alumni, working overtime to figure out how to keep their sexual harassment away from witnesses. And while he’s interviewing you for a job years later, you’ll look at his gold watch and think, Damn, this could have been me, if only I’d drank more in high school.
If you’re the type of person who enjoys reliving your glory days on video, try it with a sick projector set from DB Power.
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