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10 Signs You And Your Boyfriend Are An Old Married Couple

Category: Beer Humor
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In the beginning of your relationship, you and your boyfriend wereon your best behavior. You dressed up nicely and wentto fun restaurants. You tookwalks around the park, staredinto each other’s eyes and basked in the newness ofyour fantastic relationship. Also, the sex wasout of this world.

But now, you’ve settled into a routine. “Dressing up nicely” has turnedinto making sure you’re wearing clean underwear, and “going to a fun restaurant” has turnedinto ordering takeout. You look into each other’s eyes only if you’re plucking a few of his stray eyebrow hairs. And the sex didn’tnecessarily becomebad— it just becamea little predictable.

When you’ve been withsomeone for long enough, it’s inevitable that at some point you will spend more Friday nights in than out, and pooping with the door open will become normal.Eventually,you’ll start feeling like an old married couple.

I’m not talking the newlywed couple who just got back from theirhoneymoon in Santorini. No, I’m talkingthe 55-year-old couple with the college-aged kids whose Friday night activity includes watching “Shark Tank,” drinking tea and having an early bedtime. Nowthat’sold and married.

Here are 10signs thatyou and your boyfriend are already there.

1. You prefer staying in to going out on the weekends.

All of your mutual friends are going to check out the new bardowntown, but you guys are deciding whether or not you want to order Thai or Indian food for takeout.

Since you’re old and married, you’ll probably go with the choice that gives you the least amount of gas.

2. And then you go to bed before midnight.

It’s a Friday night, and you guys areasleep by 12. Are you my parents?

3. You don’t fall asleep cuddling.

Having sex and then spooning afterwards for a little bit is great. But when it’s time to sleep, you both need to SEPARATE.It gets way too freaking hot if you’re trying to doze off when you’rethatclose together.

Also, you’ve gotta get up early to drivethe kids back to school tomorrow. (No? Too much?)

4. You’ve let yourselves go.

The two of you have gained a ton of weight duringthe courseof your relationship. Yourlove handles have spiraled out of control, and your boyfriend’s beer belly growsevery timehe takes hisclothes off. Honestly, you hardly recognize each other.

Yeah, guys. That’s what eating takeout without walking around the park will do to you.

5. You don’t stress about shaving.

Full bush? Check. Hairy legs? Check. Wild, unkempt beard? Check, check, check. You guys really DGAF anymore. (InsertMarilyn Monroe quote about handling youat your worst here).

6. Sex has become a little stale.

It was hard enough to feel sexy withthe weight gain and theincessanthairiness. Now, the actual act of sex has lost its luster.

It’s not that you don’t enjoy sex. You do! You two just don’t have that same desire to ripeach other’s clothes off that you hadwhen you first started. You’re not lighting candles, slipping on lingerie and making sure that you look good from every angle anymore. It’s not worth the stress.

These days, you justwanna get in and get out.

7. Conversations devolveinto argumentsabout finances.

Him: “How was your day?”

You: “Good! Iwent shopping. I spent, like, 300 dollars…”

Him: “Are you SERIOUS? I’m not going to be able to afford your expensive lifestyle!”

Repeat.

8. You talk sh*t about each other’s parents.

Your boyfriend’s mom babies him way too much, and you have no problem telling him what a helicopterparent she is. And when your mother calls you fat because she thinks you’ve gained weight, your boyfriend will happily call her a bitch.You guys have a healthy amount of resentment toward each other’s parents.

Hey, you’re not old and married unless you hate each other’s in-laws, right?

9. Anniversaries are hardly celebrated, if at all.

You don’t need a whole showy display to demonstrate your love for each other.You guys havebeen together so long that celebrating an anniversary feels more like a chore thansomething you actually want to do. At this point, it’s just assumed that you will keep lasting year afteryear.

You even feel too lazy to give him the anniversary beejyou’ve resorted to giving him every year, and he also probably won’t get you flowers. I’m pretty sure my parents don’t even exchange cards anymore.

Yeah. You’rethatover it.

10. You wouldn’t trade your old-married-nessfor the world.

Anyonecan get dressed up and go to fancy dinners, but it takes real love to pluck eyebrow hairs andNOTcelebrate anniversaries. Sure, your stomach rolls will hang TF out of your dirty-ass T-shirt when you’re having sex, and a fart will probablyslip out when he’s f*cking you from behind, but who cares? You don’t need to impress each other.

Your relationship may be monotonousand routineat times, but you wouldn’t ever want anything else.

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